Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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