Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
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Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
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Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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