Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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