On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
