Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
