I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
