If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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