it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You are a genius and a whore.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
