There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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