The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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