I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
