I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
