I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
