I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
