when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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