Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You have to summon your inner elephant
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
