Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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