Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
