idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
