Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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