I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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