i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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