Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
