first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
