Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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