My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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