if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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