Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
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After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
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You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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