wanna go halves on a baby?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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