Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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