If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
