Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
