My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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