dude i'm inner monologue high
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
