I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
