Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
