Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
