Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
