I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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