i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
