i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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