You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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