I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately