Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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