Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
