if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
