Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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