Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
