my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
