WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
