i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
