if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
