I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
