the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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