I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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