whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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